“Couldn’t those stiletto heels really hurt someone?”
“Doesn’t it hurt her neck to lean so far back?”
“How is he balancing?”
Bill and I are watching a porno movie on our 52” Sony TV in our family room. I ask the questions in rapid succession, as if the subject matter was usual for us. Bill is silent, eyes straight ahead. I had asked him to do this because of what I had read in “Come As You Are” by sex educator Emily Nogaski, PhD.
The goal of this book is to promote greater sexual enjoyment for everyone. Everyone. Each person’s anatomy is slightly different, but all normal. Sexual responses differ greatly, but are all normal. This is important because our own comfort with, and lack of judgment about, our own body and feelings and sexuality puts us in the best place for enjoying sex.
Emily (I will call her that as her author picture shows her to be young enough to be my daughter) is director of Wellness Education and lecturer at Smith College. She posits that context is key. And for women, the most sex-positive context is “low stress, high affection, explicitly erotic.” (italics mine)
When I was young, sex was something you could do on the spur of the moment. Car, sofa, dorm bed, swimming pool –no problem. Other than birth control, there was no equipment involved. Now that husband Bill and I are old, it’s a different story. There are pills to take, hormonal creams to apply, a big bed and soft pillows to accommodate for the tight hip, the bum knee and the creaky neck, oils or gels or lotions, and a vibrator that’s has to be the right size, speed and texture. We need all sorts of help.
After reading this book, I sent hubby on a hunt for explicitly sexual materials. Last week, the package arrived. There were a couple of DVDs, some lotions and a free bonus vibrator. The movies lacked even a semblance of plot. The sex was hugely athletic but lacked verve.
Still, we were a bit aroused, due to a phenomenon Emily calls “non-concordance.” The body’s response to a sexual situation and the mind’s response do not necessarily correlate. And we went at it. The vibrator worked pretty well. As for me, the biggest turn-on was the fact that Bill had taken the time and trouble to find the DVDs. Context, you know.
In the afterglow, when, in the movies, the man and the woman are drawing deep drags on their cigarettes, Bill and I just lie content and relaxed. I turned to him with a wide smile and say what I’ve said for twenty-five years, “I’ve never had sex with someone as old as you before.” Bill, his voice slightly hoarse, replies, “Ditto.”
Tell me: What books have you found useful in teaching you about human sexuality? What books were worthless?